Pretty please stop Getting sick/Cut on/Dying. For me?

PREAMBLE / APOLOGY

I'm sorry if this post has a self-pitying slant to it. Who am I kidding? It's a cathartic post, so it will be very self-pitying. But I'll be honest. I am a bit overwhelmed by events with my loved ones at the moment.

THE PAST
 
Thankfully, with the exception of some common American ailments, I myself am in relatively good health and spirits. To date this year, however, I have had an uncle and a grandfather die. Then, my grandmother was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, then went into just as sudden a remission (Thank God, gods, the universe, whoever requires thanks for that.)

 THE NEAR FUTURE

Now, I'm faced with two people I love dearly undergoing major operations before the year is out. My partner J, has heroically consented to undergo a medical procedure that very likely will save the life of someone he loves. I have (more selfishly) consented to care for him pre-op and post-op for as long as I can. I want to make sure he is okay going in and coming out of this. The issue is that this operation must be done out-of-state, and one of us has to come home to pay the rent.

So, that leaves me only financially and job wise being able to go with him for two weeks. One week pre-op and one week post-op. He has to remain out there for two months. We discussed this during his initial testing, got tentative dates, and agreed on a plan of action. I budgeted accordingly for the loss of income and discussed my absence with my employers.

Then the hospital moved up the date of the operation and lengthened the amount of time between pre-op meetings. So now, it looks like I will need to take off work sooner and for 3 weeks instead of 2, to be able to go to his pre-op meetings and care for him post-op. There goes the plan.

Let me be very clear. J's health, and the health of his loved one are my primary concern.

THE CATCH ABOUT THE NEAR FUTURE

I do not make the kind of money or have the kind of job where I can take 3 weeks off and not plan insanely ahead for it. J is overwhelmed though with all the understandable emotional implications of this operation, as well as his own financial and job concerns. So overwhelmed that we will have to wait until his nerves calm down to discuss logistics.

One part of me is okay with this. As I said, I want to support him as much as I can in this. Another anxiety prone part of me is having a panic attack thinking that I now have to find a way to come up with an additional week's lost income, explain to my employers that it is now 3 weeks they will be without me instead of 2, and dreading the idea that I might not have a job if that is the case.

Yet another very selfish part of me is worried because I have been working a long time toward getting a job in my degree field. There are rumors that some full-time positions will be coming available in the next month at my library...essentially dream jobs. J's operation means that I will theoretically have to pitch a 3 week absence, a month and a half after my hire date, to the supervisors who would be considering me for these positions. So to some up: Panic attack that I cannot discuss with my partner at the moment because he is having the same panic attack.

THE TOO NEAR FUTURE

But more immediate than all of this is the second loved one I referred to at the beginning of this very long post. My four-year-old niece is going under the knife tomorrow to correct a congenital heart defect. This tiny, brilliant little girl is undergoing major life saving surgery. And all I can think about at the moment is damage control.

My sister, my niece's mother, has a very contentious relationship with both her ex (read: baby-daddy) and our own mother. The first of which is currently creating problems just to spite her. The second of which has the potential to create problems because she has the best of intentions to help, and believes that this gives her license to make any changes she deems necessary. Even if they are against my sister's wishes. Now, all of this is really none of my business, except that I dearly love my sister and niece. So, the mother hen in me feels the need to help them in any way I can.

My sister's direction of my helping hand means that I cannot confront verbally (or physically...though my theoretical fantasies of it seem very fulfilling) her ex's stupidity. It also means that I may have to avoid or flat out lie to my mother about where and/or when my niece's surgery will take place. This breaks my heart because I also love my mother dearly, and I do not want to choose between my loyalty to her and my loyalty to my sister.

THE PRESENT

I'm going to take my niece and sister to the hospital very early tomorrow morning for the surgery. I'm scheduled to hang out with my mother later tonight, and keep my mouth shut. I also need to bottle up the J/job anxiety until it is appropriate to discuss with him. This post is intended as a way to quiet my brain and worries enough to do that. So again, I apologize for the personal pity party.